The Gathering of Men
by Rolland
Summary: STOPPED UNTIL FURTHER NOTICE Every year, a gathering is held to honor the manliest of all men. Needless to say, Naruto's never invited. But the gatherings may hold secrets that could destroy the Fire Country. Sai just might be the key to unlocking them.


**Important: Set POST-Shippuuden (After Naruto returns after his training with Jiraiya). May contain spoilers.**

**Author's Note: Crack God, when you get to a certain part, (you'll know which part when you see it) wait until the end of the chapter to get mad. At the end, you'll realize that you don't have anything to get mad about.**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto, the Ramen Channel, or Koolade.**

**-**

Uzumaki Naruto stumbled out of bed and stifled a yawn as he put a pot of water on the stove. _Today's going to be a bad day,_ he thought, depressed. _I'm never chosen to attend the Gathering of Men._ _What do those other guys have that I don't?_

The Gathering of Men that Naruto was so upset over is a mystery to those who have not been there, but there are certain rumors surrounding it. Some rumors say that the Chosen men travel to a hidden village in another country and are treated like royalty. Another says that the Chosen ones enter an underground labyrinth located under Konoha and battle their way to the end, where either a great treasure or a great beast resides. Still another claims that those Chosen are promoted a rank in their village without having to take an exam.

No matter which rumors they believed, everyone was envious of those Chosen. In Konoha, the Chosen were treated with the same respect as the Hokage. Naruto always dreamed of being chosen to receive respect from everyone.

After heaving an over dramatic sigh, Naruto added the noodles to the pot of now boiling water. He turned the TV on to channel 01, the Ramen Channel, and watched the morning Ramen special.

The blond ninja lit some incense and placed it on the Ramen Shrine next to the stove as he stirred the pot. After three minutes the Ramen was ready. He poured the Ramen into a bowl and added the Ramen seasoning to the Ramen. Ahh . . . The smell of Ramen. Oh how Naruto loved Ramen. Ramen. Ramen. Ramen.

When Naruto had finally devoured his sacred Ramen and got ready, it almost Five AM. He hurried to the palace . . . er, I mean Hokage's office, to receive his special orders from Tsunade herself. He was hoping that today he would be sent on a big, important mission so that he wouldn't have to be present when the Chosen were announced.

Naruto arrived and prostrated himself before the Hokage, hoping that showing respect would get him a good mission.

"Rise," Tsunade called quietly.

When the Genin looked up, the Hokage was going through some papers. He decided not to hurry her. He must be respectful. He must get an important mission.

After a while, Tsunade looked up. "What can I do for you?" The Hokage asked.

Naruto was confused. "Didn't you call me here to give me a special mission, Hokage-Sama?"

"Well, yes," she admitted after a moment. "But I thought that if you've taken the time to come down here yourself and address me properly that you must have had a particular mission in mind."

Naruto winced. He knew that he deserved that rebuke, seeing as he's never shown her respect in his life. "Please, Hokage-Sama, we should put the past behind us until the mission is completed."

Tsunade glared at him slightly. _'That almost sounded like a command,'_ she thought testily.

Naruto seemed to realize this too, for he quickly added, "If it so pleases you."

The Hokage weighed her options. Option one: Send him on an important mission and be respected by him forever. Or Option two: Send a qualified Jounin to do it and not be hated by King Orotani.

For her, the choice was clear. "I have a very important mission for you, Uzumaki-san," she told him (cough lied cough). "I need you to escort the Chosen to the designated competition village. You may take however many Konoha shinobi as will go with you."

Naruto's spirits fell. He was going to have to escort the people that he envied so much and was probably going to be very bored. Or so he thought. He nodded and called "Yes, Hokage-Sama," not letting his bad mood show through and left without another word.

Naruto pondered who he should take with him as he wandered down Konoha's main street, not paying attention to where he was going. He was so wrapped in thought that he didn't notice a shuriken flying at him until a split second before impact. Without thinking he pulled his head backwards and down, the kunai not even grazing his nose.

Also without thinking he drew a shuriken and threw it at the source of the attack. He didn't aim, or even turn. He simply threw it. A warning shot.

When Naruto did turn around, he was afraid at what he saw. Across from him was the restaurant: Ichimas. The booth in front of the open window was what scared him.

Tenten, Hinata and Sakura sat there, eating breakfast. Or at least they had been eating breakfast. In front of Sakura was a broken bowl, a kunai in the middle of the wreckage. On her were the contents of the bowl, cereal.

The look on Sakura's face was one of pure fury. "What the Hell is your problem?" She asked, grinding her teeth.

"You threw a kunai knife at me," he mumbled, his embarrassment masked by fear. "I thought I was being attacked."

Sakura ground her teeth even harder. "I threw a paper ball at you, not a kunai."

Naruto turned around and saw a paper ball not even ten feet from where he was standing. Oops.

It took him ten minutes to apologize, explain his mission and ask them for their help. After which they agreed and Tenten and Sakura promised to bring Neji and Sasuke. They may not have been his favorite people in the world, but they were strong, and Naruto hoped the mission would be difficult and would need help. It wasn't likely.

He left Ichimas and wandered down the street, not stopping for the merchants calling after him. He didn't have time to shop now. He had to go get ready for his mission.

The problem was that he was already ready for his mission. He had packed last night, hoping that he'd be hurried away on a long, dangerous mission the following morning. Everything that he needed lay waiting for him at home within that pack. Now he was killing time.

After a while he ran into Sai, who said that he was ordered to go with him. Sai was one of Naruto's least favorite people in the world, but he was too depressed to do anything about it. Sai would just have to come along.

By the time noon came, Naruto was thoroughly bored and the choosing of the Chosen did not do much to lift his spirits. The wooden stadium circled around the grass field, where the choosing was being held. It also didn't help that a huge tree was in the way, the open space below it filled with ungodly sized bush.

After the choosing was over, Naruto and his team assembled. Few of them seemed happy and only one was eager to go. Naruto and Sasuke were sulking, having been forced to go on a boring, pointless mission. Neji didn't have any emotion in his eyes, nothing seeming to affect him. Sakura had a ticked off look on her face, still angry about the cereal incident. Hinata was tired, having been up all night training. Tenten's and Sai's happy-go-lucky attitudes, however, seemed unabated.

One of the Chosen men was still there, packing up the podium. He was big, well-defined man with muscles larger than Naruto's head. He didn't look like he needed protection. "So, which of you four is the manliest?" He asked the boys, his voice deeper than anyone's there. When he saw that Naruto, Neji, and Sasuke raised their hands, he laughed, shaking the ground. "Only one of you can be the manliest," he chuckled as he left.

"I'm the manliest," the tree of them declared in unison after the last Chosen left.

"Well, what determines a man?" Naruto asked. Six of the seven ninjas pondered this. Each had a vague idea. Sai, of course, knew the right answer. He was surprised that no one else thought of it. Though, the only reason he thought of it was because he thought of it constantly. It's not that he was perverted or anything; It's just that he was always _fascinated_ with them. "It's obvious," he told them, "It's the size of your penis."

The hands of the guys there went straight to their crotches. Hinata blushed. Sakura took a step back from Sai. _'Why did he get that so quickly?'_ she wondered.

Tenten, on the other hand, smiled smugly. "Neji obviously has the largest penis out of all of you," she bragged to the other five ninjas who quickly argued this. "Well, Neji's is huge. It has to be the largest."

"Oh yeah?" Sasuke asked cooly. "How long is it?"

"Yeah, how long?" Sai asked eagerly.

Tenten thought for a minute. "Well, I've never measured it," she admitted after a moment. "But It's really long."

"Actually, Naruto has the largest one," Hinata informed them, a smile playing on her lips as she tapped her temple. "Trust me, I'm sure." Everyone took a step back.

'_This isn't getting anywhere,'_ Sai thought. "Okay, we'll have a penis-off," he told the others. "I'll go into the bush and I'll measure each contestant's penis one at a time. When I have your measurement, you leave the bush and the next contestant enters. I'll be judging on length, diameter, and firmness." Everyone nodded. "You can use any means necessary to increase said attributes."

Everyone immediately got to work. Tenten used the classic Ino approach, Suck It and Suck It Hard. Hinata chose an old favorite of hers, Make Out and Touch. Sakura also chose a classic, Striping.

Naruto finally felt he was ready, (2x as long as before), and walked into the bush. He intentionally created a scene as he entered, distracting his opponents.

His ploy had no effect at all on Neji. He was totally focused with his Byakugan on Tenten. Sasuke, however, was a completely different story. His eyes were wide, focused on Naruto's . . . Parts. _'Oh, how I want them,'_ he thought secretly.

Naruto's plan was backfiring. Sasuke became hornier than he ever could with Sakura. While his teammate was gone, Sasuke kept playing those precious seconds over and over in his head.

Soon though, Naruto returned and Sasuke booked it into the bushes. The first thing he noticed was that Sai was completely naked. The second, he couldn't even find Sai's penis, no matter how much he looked for it. _'Oh well,'_ he thought. _'I'll look later when there's light. Right now, I need full concentration.'_

The measuring process was strange. I'll leave it at that, but I will say that Sasuke would never look at a clown, spandex, a rubber chicken, or a penis the same way again. As the Uchiha stumbled out, looking traumatized, the Hyuuga stumbled in, looking . . . Well, I couldn't really tell what he was looking like. It was because of his damned eyes; they left no room for emotion.

**(Author's warning: Don't freak out, Crack God, read the rest of the chapter. It's not how it seems... or is it?...)** After a few minutes, Neji and Sai came stumbling out of the bush. Sai was covered in a strange white liquid so thick, and applied so completely, that he was completely covered. He was covering his 'parts' and his... _chest? With his arms and hands_. Neji was apologizing. "I'm sorry," he said, "but you just look so much like a woman. And tanning's hot."

The other five ninjas in the forest stared at the sight before them in terror. Not only was Neji gay, but he was openly gay, and he probably masturbates. That was too much.**(Save your anger till the end... or not...)**

Noticing the looks on his comrades' faces, he tried to explain. "It's sun tan lotion," he told them. "I just thought that he would look better with a tan."

The other ninjas, minus Tenten, were skeptical. They turned to his girlfriend, seeking confirmation. Tenten nodded. "He does give out fashion tips a lot," she lied desperately. No one bought it.

"Well, If you don't believe me, we'll just have to have Ino come over and taste it. Then we'll see who's right," Tenten told them.

The others nodded and waited for Ino to appear at the mention of her name. It didn't take long. That was one of the reasons that no one spoke of the Ino. It would draw her closer with the hopes of getting lucky. Many brave men have wet themselves at the mere thought of it.

As Ino jumped out of the shadows behind the tree, she noticed the strange liquid all over Sai, making her _heart_ throb. "SAI!" Super-Slut gasped, "I want in on the action too!" She leaped forward, desperately grasping at Sai and Neji. In her over excitement, however, she misjudged the distance and ended up on top of Sakura, doing the things that she intended to do on the guys on Sakura instead.

Sakura struggled to get away, but Ino was too horny and would not relinquish her source of pleasure. In desperation Sakura grasped a kunai and attempted to stab the slut in the back with it. Except the kunai had been backwards and it hadn't ended up in her back. Think lower.

The others, except for Sai, Sasuke, and Neji, were huddled closely together, fearing that one of them would be next. They would have helped Sakura, except it kind of looked like she was enjoying herself as much as Ino was. Neji and Sai had run to their homes to get some clothes, as being naked in front of Ino was a surefire way to get raped.

In the mass confusion and fear, The Fan Girls had seized their chance and bound Sasuke with a rope smelling of 'Koolade', one of Sasuke's few weaknesses. They started dragging him back to their hideout, remembering to keep the Koolade rope tightly around his neck. When they arrived, they tied him to a chair.

'_This isn't so bad_,' he thought. _'At least my parts are protected.' _Just after this thought crossed his mind, one of the younger girls came over and pulled a lever on the side of the chair. '_Damn;_ _It reclines.'_

The girls were closing in and Sasuke had to think fast. _'What would Lee do?' _he asked himself. He shuddered, realizing what Lee would do. Okay, new role model. _'What would Itachi do?'_ He then realized how he would get out of there.

The leader of The Fan Girls stood in front of Sasuke, completely naked. Slowly she reached down and unbuttoned the poor guy's pants. She looked into the Uchiha's eye, about to say something to try to turn him on, when she saw something in his eyes. She couldn't tell what it was, but soon she found herself completely alone with Sasuke, standing face to face.

Sasuke had seized his chance when the leader slipped up and looked him in the eye. "I can be yours," he told her, knowing she couldn't move in the genjutsu, "but you'll have to untie me first. I can't pleasure you if I can't move, can I?"

She started untying the Koolade rope, speaking as she did so. "But If I untie you, you'll run away, won't you?" The last of the rope had been untied from the chair, leaving the koolade encrusted cord around his neck.

"Yes," the Uchiha admitted after the rope had been removed. "I have to. I'm sure you know why," he told her with a smile. It was true. She knew _everything_ about Sasuke.

Neji and Sai arrived back to the stadium/used-to-be-a-park, just in time to not watch the ending of the strange scene before them. None of the guys watched the scene unfold. Neji and Naruto did not watch because their girlfriends would have killed them, so they turned around and stared in the opposite direction. Sai, however, did not watch because it did not interest him. He preferred the cock.

Naruto and Neji noticed that Sai was not watching and gasped. "Sai's gay," Neji gasped, watching the scene with his Byakugan.

"I'm not gay," Sai declared, confused. He didn't know why not liking lesbians made him gay. In fact, it made him straighter.

"You're totally gay!" Ino shouted. She and Sakura had finished and were now dressed, acting like nothing had happened. Sai denied it again.

"Yeah, you are," Sasuke told him as he reappeared, a red and white imprint around his neck where the rope had been. Sai denied it again.

"It's okay that you're gay," Sakura told him consolingly. "We'll still accept you. After all, we accepted Lee." Everyone celebrated inwardly at this; Lee was dead. Sai was starting to get pissed.

"Yeah," Ino said, "I like gays the best." She glanced sideways at Sakura, who glanced back.

"That's it!" Sai shouted, slightly red from anger, "I'm not gay!" He pulled off his pants, revealing that he wore panties. At this everyone had a multitude of comments, all about being a gay cross-dresser. They were silenced, however, when he pulled off his panties and revealed that he was not a _he_ at all.

The Used-To-Be-A-Park was silent. They sat in shock for minutes, staring at the proof. Not even Ino's perverted mind could get over the shock. They just sat there and stared. Eventually Sai broke the silence. "Hinata was right," she told them, "Naruto does have the largest one."

They quickly returned to their senses and comprehension dawned upon them. They realized why Sai's voice had always been higher than the other boys'. And why she didn't shower in front of them. And why...well, they realized a lot of things about her.

"Neji was right," Ino informed the rest of them as Sai put her clothes back on. "It was sun tan lotion. I tasted it on the jump by."

When nobody said anything, she went on. "But even if it had been the other liquid, with the most recent development, it would have been okay." Everyone murmured their agreement.

Having accomplished everything they needed to, Naruto told them the plan. "Okay everyone, the Chosen plan on leaving tomorrow at dawn. We're to meet them here and depart for the Chosen village." He turned to Ino, who was staring at him with a dangerous smile playing across her lips, her pants soaked. "Ino, since you've been such a big help today, you can come along. But you have to promise not to rape anyone. That means only _consent-ual sex_," he told her, extremely emphasizing the last part. "Okay everyone, dismissed."

It had been a normal day in Konoha, all things considered. Weird things happened every day there.

With that the eight ninjas sped home to get ready for tomorrow morning when, unbeknownst to them, their lives would change dramatically.

**-**

**Ooh, cliffhanger. Well, there it is, Chapter One of 'The Gathering of Men'. If you liked it, please review and say: "I liked it." Thank you.**

**Also, please view my profile for all the information on my fics that you could ever need. Also, If there's any information that you want about my fics and It's not on my profile, please let me know.**

**One last thing, YES! THIS FAN FIC HAS 3101 WORDS OF ACTUAL STORY IN IT! That makes it my longest starting chapter so far. **


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